One
of the hardest things in my life, is self-care. I believe I have struggled with
this with much of my adult life. It is SO easy for me to listen to other
people, counsel countless of young women, listen to story after story of Black
young women leaders and give advice, encouragement or just offer my ear or
heart through the gift of listening. It is much easier for me to change my now
11th month-old’s diapers, keep her change, fed and happy, than to
get up and go for a walk, make myself a healthy meal with all the 4
food-groups, going light on the carbs or go to sleep early/at a reasonably
normal hour. Why is this? I often ponder. Why is it so hard to eat the foods
that are healthy and good for my body, and yet so very easy to skip a meal,
start breakfast later than I should and eat not-so great later on in the day, than I ought?
Today
at church my Pastor preached in part, out of Romans 12:1, where the Apostle
Paul admonishes us to “present our bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and
pleasing to God; this is your spiritual worship.” I think I pride myself on
being a “spiritual person”, a “woman of
the Word”, but yet would rather clean my house, wash the toilet than take
adequate care of myself. What’s really going on? Or should I say, what’s up
with that?
I’m
not sure I know all the answers to that – maybe it’s a deeper counseling issue that
I need to explore, but in the interim, I know that something has got to change
with me. I’ve been knowing it, and at times make huge strides, only to fall
back to similar/old patterns of lack of self-care, over and over again. I
deeply want this to change. But what will ultimately make the difference?
I
don’t know very many things in this life. But I DO know a few things. I DO know
that GOD CAN DO ANYTHING. He is Almighty, and if He is good enough and gracious
enough to have blessed us with a baby girl, after waiting for 7 years, surely
He can continue to work on my heart and help
me see me as He sees me. A beautiful daughter of the King of kings,
worthy of being loved, valued and deserving of good health, of good respite,
and physical wellness, just as much as emotional and spiritual wellness. Hmmmm. I pause here to say the obvious: do
I really believe that?
Somewhere along the line, have I believed that the emotional, mental and spiritual are more important than how I take care of my body? It would seem so. After all, as it is often said: “don’t tell me what you believe, show me what you believe.” And the way that I have lived – not always, -- but for waaaay for too many pockets of my life - would apparently point to the reality that for some reason, I have not really believed that my body does matter as much as my emotions or spiritual health. Somewhere along the line, have I believed that it doesn’t matter too much what I put into my body, as long as I’m emotionally and spiritually ok? Yep. It would seem so. Somehow, I havn’t lived like Romans 12:1 is true. But here I have to agree with God that I have been wrong. That spirituality is not just about what goes on inside of me.
Somewhere along the line, have I believed that the emotional, mental and spiritual are more important than how I take care of my body? It would seem so. After all, as it is often said: “don’t tell me what you believe, show me what you believe.” And the way that I have lived – not always, -- but for waaaay for too many pockets of my life - would apparently point to the reality that for some reason, I have not really believed that my body does matter as much as my emotions or spiritual health. Somewhere along the line, have I believed that it doesn’t matter too much what I put into my body, as long as I’m emotionally and spiritually ok? Yep. It would seem so. Somehow, I havn’t lived like Romans 12:1 is true. But here I have to agree with God that I have been wrong. That spirituality is not just about what goes on inside of me.
What
does it mean to be “spiritual”? I am sure there are a variety of answers to
this, but Romans 12:1 is quite simple and refreshingly clear: to offer my body to God. To offer my body,
and my entire self to God, is indeed what it means to be spiritual.
To offer my
heart, soul, mind and physical self
to Him. To ask Him to change me from the
inside out, and give me a new perspective on my physical health, to truly
present my actual body and honor Him, by the way that I eat, do physical
activity to strengthen and bring my body to good physical health, as well, as
by the way that I rest. So I have to
agree with God. God says, taking care of my actual body is spiritual. Wow! And
so when I get up to go for a rigorous, vigorous walk tomorrow morning, it won’t
just be so that I can look good the next time I wear a bathing suit (though
that won’t hurt eitherJ
) – but it’ll be primary, because that is what it means to live my life for God,
and not myself. I'll be taking that walk because taking care of my body is actually a spiritual act of
worship to Him.
I
want to be an example too, to my daughter that life is not just about caring for
others – but that I, and later on that she, herself, -- matters too. In fact, if I want to
care even better for others, perhaps the best way of doing that, is to actually
take the appropriate amount of time to take care of myself first. So, spiritually, by slowing down with meditation on God’s
Word and worship. Emotionally, doing daily breathing exercises and by taking
the time to speak to someone about my own personal issues and things that are
on my heart. Finally physically, with
daily good activity, eating well, resting and sleeping. You’d think I
know all of this wouldn’t you? And yet sometimes, it’s got to be back to the
basics.
So,
in this upcoming Fall time, as I get ready for the busyness of home and family
life, ministry and school, I think -- no
-- I know the call of God for me is
to prioritize
self-care, in the ways that He leads me. And that too is an important part
of the Kingdom of God. True spirituality, means trusting that God is big
enough, and great enough to take care of all these others, when I pause to
rest, to shower, to eat well, to exercise.
Will I do this physical/self-care thing perfectly? Never in this life-time. But just as God gives me grace to do the hard heart work of keeping my heart free of grudges against others, forgiving regularly, asking for forgiveness, as well as doing the work of offering my heart to God in worship over and over again, as imperfectly as it is, so too, it is in His grace, I can practice over and over, the true spirituality of presenting my physical body to the Lord.
In fact, it is His call, His idea, that worship would flow from me truly offering myself, my heart, my mind and my body specifically – to Him.
Will I do this physical/self-care thing perfectly? Never in this life-time. But just as God gives me grace to do the hard heart work of keeping my heart free of grudges against others, forgiving regularly, asking for forgiveness, as well as doing the work of offering my heart to God in worship over and over again, as imperfectly as it is, so too, it is in His grace, I can practice over and over, the true spirituality of presenting my physical body to the Lord.
In fact, it is His call, His idea, that worship would flow from me truly offering myself, my heart, my mind and my body specifically – to Him.
May
it be so, in this season, one day at a time.
Achlaï
Ernest Wallace
